Bittersweet

I've been having a really difficult time with postpartum lately. I have dealt with it every time, a dull postpartum feeling until a climax at about six months, and a difficult plateau for another 6-18 months until I feel like it has gone, and I am able to rebuild again. It is long, and lonely, and I have moments when it feel fine, even great. And then there's moments where I cannot find joy, and I feel incapable, and unable to do anything. And when I do go and do something fun and I can feel happy, then the fall afterward is deeper.
Sometimes I feel depression is like a ship, and your sides have been lowered, and all of a sudden you can't take the wind or the waves or the weight like you used to. You need to be really careful about your load, or any water getting in, or you'll sink to the bottom.
One other thing I've realized about postpartum is that when I'm low, my mood is quite impenetrable to joy. Just like slap-stick humour is one of the simplest forms of humour, and universally understood, things that lift my spirits are very simple. I loved Christina so much when she was born! She was such a sweetheart and so adorable, and all that hair was something outrageous and it was able to make me smile at times when not much else could.
I know I am in one of the most beautiful times of my life, and that should be enough to make me incredibly happy and joyful shouldn't it?
I want to be amazing for my children and husband. They deserve someone amazing! I feel like I'm wasting time being low that I should spend being a strength and an example.
But this is something I have to go through, and it has effected my family greatly. Maybe they need to know these things? Maybe I need to understand so we'll all be better equipped to help others?
I don't know, but sometimes the casualties (choosing to have less children than we had planned, a mother who just can't do it all, a mother who wishes she had the strength to be a little better)of this illness seem like so much.
I'm going to go hold Seth and look at his beautiful face, and snuggle with Mariah. That will cheer me up.